During sis's engagement, 01.05.2008
I miss arwah my mum.
Thing is, I miss her everyday. But today, I miss her extra much...
Woke up this morning with a sad feeling. Suddenly teringat kat Mama. God! How long was it since I last went to her pusara? Lately I've been dreaming about her, and most of the time in my dreams, things would be just like it was when she was around, the hustle and normancy of life that is in Bukit Jelutong. I don't know why, but in all of my dreams, we'd all sit together (the whole family) in the kitchen, having either breakfast, lunch, tea or dinner, and everyone was happy. We'd laugh as usual, telling each other how our days went, and even crack each other up with jokes. I guess the fondest things I cherish about Mama was the time when all of us sat there. At that white dining table, and just enjoying each other's company.
Maybe to some it's nothing. But for me, it's definitely a treasure. After mama's death in September 2008 (a week before Hari Raya), I was sad that I didn't dream of her. I remembered one time (this was a week or two after mama passed away), that I had the courage to muster the question,
'Have you guys dreamt of Mama yet?', to my siblings. Truth is, I was scared that I'm the only one not dreaming of her. Sis replied yes, and so does my lil' brother. I was upset. Sis asked me why. And i said, teary eyed, that I didn't dream of her at all, and it's so not fair. It is not fair because I missed her, and I want so bad to see her. It's not fair coz slowly my memory is deleting her face, and it's not fair coz I can't seem to remember her voice, especially her laughter! All that is slipping away, slowly and slowly, from me.
How is that possible? I love her too much. The least I need is some memory of her that I could hold on to.
I was down in the dumps, when my cousin called to know how I was doing. I remember talking to her like a mad woman, crying and sobbing at the same time, half yelling, "I miss mama, but kenapa I tak mimpi2 dia lagi? It's been a month since she passed. I can't seem to remember how she looks like. My memory serves nothing of it. And I don't remember the sound of her voice, and her laughter. I want that all back! it's not fair! That's the memory of her that I want to keep. But the only memory I have of her and the one where it kept repeating was mama lying helplessly on the hospital bed, minutes before she drew her last breath. Why?? I don't want to remember how she suffered. I just want to know she's in a better place, and that she's happy!".
And so the one way conversation continued, with me talking and my cousin listening intently... "It's bad enough that I didn't get to take care of her before she passed away...' I said, with my sobbing growing more and more intense..
Cousin interrupting : but don't say that. You were busy with your wedding, and...
Me: I know...that is why I'm sad. Because of the wedding, I didn't get to take care of mama. That is bad enough for me. And now, all I have is this guilt and regret that I didn't spend more time with her, and my memory is erasing all the things I want to hold onto about her! This is so not fair!
Cousin : Shi, don't be sad. You know how your mama wanted so bad for you to go on with the wedding, despite you wanting to postpone it. She understands if you can't be there for her at the time, and she's happy just looking at you walking down that aisle... she understands, Shi. She understands.....
And with that, I ended the conversation and cried buckets. I know she understood if I am not there, but the guilt will always be there for me.
Going through losing a mother is hard. It takes a toll on you. People asks if I'm okay, even today. I said I am fine. But truthfully, I am not. Whenever I have a problem and don't know who to turn to, it's always my mama that I go to. Be it work related, or relationship related.
Whenever I have an argument with my husband, I miss mama so bad, that 80% of the time after an argument ended badly, I'd wish she was here. Just to tell me that it's okay. To tell me that it's normal for married couples to go through all this. That everything will be just fine, and not to worry too much about it.
To tell me that 'hey!, it's normal for you to feel like kicking your husband in the groin for being anal, and it's okay for you to react that way'.
But the thing is, I no longer have a mum.
And this is what I want to say to her, ever since she passed away.
Mama,
I am sorry for all the things that I have done towards you. For raising my voice, for losing my temper, for not understanding how you feel.
For those times when I just don't want to hear you out, or ignore all of your advise. For those days when I should have just sat there and let you watch whatever tv shows that made you happy, instead of criticizing about them. For those days when I just walked out on you without hearing your reasoning, just because i was so damn stubborn. For not giving you a massage as good as you wanted me to just because I have to go out and do my stuff. For sighing everytime you asked me to do a little bit more housework because you needed an extra help anyways.
For those times when I didn't get to take you out to a fancy restaurant, or buy you that handbag or jewelery that I thought you would love because I had other things to buy for myself. For being selfish. for saying to myself, 'Oh well, there's always a next time'. For being stupid to not cherish you more. For failing to realise that you just wanted what's best for us. For not making you more happy.
Mama,
I love you with all my heart, always and always.
And I miss you every single day. *sniffles*.
Hannah and Arissa. Arissa was 3 months old at the time this pic was taken
Cha Cha seated comfortably on my sofa. This was after our Terry Fox Run debut last September.
OoOoohhh her eyes are so 'bulat'!! gedhammm nyee!!
budak demokkk, i mish youuu.....
'yes mak ngah, I mish u too!!' hehehe
