When I Think/Worry Too Much

Today's been one hell of a day. Well, half hell of a day!!

Was actually managing my time really well, waiting for my turn in Court, to appear before the judge. Parked my car at 8.15 am, in the courtroom by 8.30am, waited for my turn until 11.45 am! The agony! The misery! Can't seem to describe it right now. Let's just say that after my drive back to the office, I am now experiencing a splitting headache. Might be due to the unbearable heat outside. But also might be due to me being pissed for waiting too long.

Sometimes it's hard to manage your time well. Especially so when you are in this kind of profession, where half of the day's gone, just waiting. Stupid!

And coming back into the office is even worse. Imagine going into your room, with stacks of files on your table for you to deal with. So not good, so not good!

Okay, I might be running off from the topic that I have decided to write in here for today's entry, but that's just me venting my frustration.

Anyhoo, got this idea of writing this whilst waiting for my turn to say 'hello' to the Judge this morning, so I guess the wait is not all that bad, ya?? And thanks to my ex-colleague, Wallace, for the long and interesting conversation. If it was not for him, I'd end up looking at all the defects found in the Courtroom (Heck, I might just list down all of it to be submitted to the authorities for a review, haha).

Coming back to the topic that i'd wanted to write.

Last night I had this unusual dream. It was kind of unusual in a way, but it made me realise how i see my life, myself.

I dreamt that I was chosen as a lead in a play. I worked my a** off, going for rehearsals and attending to everything (from the wardrobe, props, you name it) to ensure that it runs smoothly. But a day before the actual play, i was told that my acting skills are no longer needed.

You see, the sponsor of the so-called play decided to replace me with another actress. Reason?? 'I am so sorry Hanis. But they feel that they need someone who similarly reflects the character. Lookwise, she's the right candidate'.

Whaaaat??!!

After toiling and putting myself into shit to make the play work, this was their answer? But somehow, I didn't protest loudly. But rather, I just accepted the fact that they had discarded me like this sort of junk that's of no value.

Immediately after that, I woke up.

And it dawned on me.

I never, for all of my life living, ever appreciated myself, or see myself worthy. NEVER.

Most of the time, I'd be worrying about how others would think about me. I would try my best to accomodate to other people's needs, and neglected my own. Especially when that person is someone that i love so very much.

It's bad, the arrangement. I always end up being hurt and vengeful.

And the worse thing that I found out?

That even in my dreams, I still feel insecure.

*sigh*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Things that I need right now :

My bed, my sanity, him, sleep, food!!

I am going off in a bit. Not feeling my usual self.