When i am darn pissed (again) with Friendster Blog

I know that i need to apologise profusely for neglecting this blog of mine for more than a year now!!

I am bad. People (mostly friends) would bitch behind my back openly for my lack of loyalty to them. My parents, every now and then, (although i must say it's everytime now) would complain to my siblings for my lack of unity in the family.

BUT here is the THING.

That's me. I guess people would just have to accept me, flaw and all. I know. It's a bad trait. I do try to change for the better( but not that much trying on my part, i have to admit, huhuhu). But all the changes takes time.

Being the second kid in the family, i grew up only knowing that I learn things mostly from my own self. By trial and error. And of course, by looking at my big brother's action and reaction. All this time, I could postively say that whatever that i learned, I owe all of it to my dear self.

Now don't get me wrong. Both my parents are my life, my strength. Even up until now. And I can't imagine my life without them. They have shown me what it's like to be someone with dignity, with respect. They taught me how to respect others. They even taught me how to be a good person.

They are the ones that I turn to in times of need (wisdomly, AND financially). We tend to share our problems openly, but not too open to the point i tell them about my intimate life with my boyfriend or anything (so guys, rest assured that you are not in their black list. if u happen to know that you are, it might be that you are, well, a natural born and bred jack**s, haha)

I adore my parents bits and pieces. I won't allow people to talk negatively, or judge whatever decision that my parents have made for the family, or for the other family members for that matter (me included).

But what i am getting here is that, I, for one, have learned things in a harder way as compared to the rest of my siblings. They call us the 'middle child syndrome' (okay i might have created that term, but it's so true. Don't believe me? Do ask those being sandwiched between the alpha kid and the spoilt one below).

At an early stage, I know that mummy needed to give her undivided attention to my big brother. So the only person giving attention to me was my dad. Mum used to tell me how dad would take care of me, feed me, prepare milk in my baby bottle, and take me with him for my daily naps. (This is because my mum felt bad about letting my big brother grow up without much love and affection. So she showered him loads with attention, and hoping that my dad would do the same to me). But this is when he's back from work and not doing anything else. For that also, rest assured that my dad has a special place in my heart, no matter what. Eventhough now I always end up going to mum for advice. Even now when I always put my 'p' first than him. All i can say is this : My dad will always be my first love.

I know this for a fact that my mum (again) told me i missed my dad so much when he went to Chicago for 3 months to attend a course/seminar there. You should see me then. I was stick thin. My rib bones can be visibly seen due to my refusal to eat. I missed him badly up to the point where i fell sick most of the time.

I also remember my childhood days, when dad used to drive me to this small grocery store whenever I am in need of anything. Anything, ok. Just tell/whine to him about wanting something, and he would immediately drive me there and buy them for me.

That is the sacrifice that my dad did for her little girl.

And because of this, i am what I am now. Independent, stubborn, loner, opinionated. That's the 'middle child syndrome' i am talking about. Because we middle kiddies learned things ourselves, we tend to have those traits. Not that we don't need other people. It's more of 'we need our own space'. Our world is our world alone. And trust me, when we want others to be in it, we will invite them and let them in with a sincere heart.

but until that day comes, we, the middle kids, shall always need time and space, to do what they think is right (although most of the time people would perceive our action as wrong).

That's just us. Accept us.

I know I am getting a tad too emotional now. Even realised that i wrote this for this one and only reason : I hate friendster blog!! Hate them for not letting me access my blog to create a new post.

So here I am. Writing in here. To ease my frustration. To put everything in a nutsell.

And to know that I am what I am.