My One and Only Intan

Remember when I said that there was nothing to write about in this blog of mine?

Today's an exception.

Because today, I had lost my precious cat, Intan.

Things went blurry right after my mum called my sis telling her about my Intan. The only thing I heard was my sis saying 'mati? macam mana boleh mati?' with tears welling in her eyes. I quickly asked her what happened, and she passed her phone to me so that I could have a word with my mum.

There and then I knew something must be terribly wrong with my precious cat.

Wanting to appear calm, I heard my mum's voice on the other line, trying her very best to contain her sadness, but from her voice, I could tell that she was crying.

Intan's dead. There was an accident. Someone hit and run her right in front of my house. And I need to get back as soon as possible because my dad is going to bury her soon.

Tears rolled down as soon as I end the conversation. F**k that I'm in the middle of one utama, I just couldn't care less. The three of us (my brother, sister and I) quickly made our way to the car park to get home. In the car, there was utter silence. No one spoke. The only thing that can be heard was the sniffling coming out from me and my sister.

After the 20 minute drive, we were in front of the house. I could see that my dad had tried his best to cover the blood stains on the road, as the water that he used to clean up the stains were still visible.

As the three of us stepped inside, I could see Intan's body lying helplessly in front of our lawn. Beneath her was an old newspaper and also a black garbage bag used as a sheet. My Intan's dead, and there is nothing that I could do to make her come back.

I hugged my sister, and we both broke down in tears. I felt sad and angry at the same time.

Sad for not holding her today. For not showering her with more love and affection. For not being there when the incident occured. Of all the days that this horrible thing could take place, why today? The day when I decided to sleep in and not opening her cage like I used to every morning? The day when I decided not to feed her, and opted for my sis to do it for me? Why?

Why must she leave me on the day when I am not at home? The day when I decided to spend time outside with my siblings?

I also felt mad for whoever that had hit her, and was too scared to actually help her, and leave her by the side of the road to die. How could that person do that? Doesn't he/she know that the cat might be someone's cat? That if he/she had any kind of compassion in his/her heart to take my Intan to the clinic, things could have been different??

I remembered seeing her at the garage before I head off to one utama for a bowling session. She appeared fine, and was looking at me. I called her once, and decided not to pat her as we were in a rush to get to my brother's place. 'Maybe later when I'm back from OU', was what I told myself. What a stupid decision that was.

I felt Intan's long fur for the last time. Underneath the beautiful black coat, there was no breathing. There was no movement that I always see at her belly. The only thing I felt was her hard, cold body, lying limply and lifeless. Oh god! Why must you take her away from me now? Why??

My dad buried her right on the hill near the house. I miss my Intan.

If only I could tell her how I loved her so.

Baby, rest in peace. Thank you so much for a wonderful 8 years together. Thank you for being there for me in the good times, and the bad. For sharing my joy, and also my tears. For making me laugh, for just being there for me. For keeping all my secrets. For loving me as I am.

I am so sorry for not being there for you when you breathe your last breath. Believe me, if I could turn back time, I would be there. I just want you to know that I'm happy to have you as a pet. You have been a good cat. Ever so kind, and with a good heart.

For the times that I should have been there for you but I couldn't, I am sorry.

For the times when I should have been there for you but too selfish to acknowledge the moment, I am genuinely sorry too. I didn't mean to neglect you. I truly didn't mean to.

I love you, precious. And nothing could change that.

Uhuh, you know what I mean........

Since I don't really know what to write these days, here are a few random pictures of myself taken sometime this year. Most of them are new ones..

Slept late last nite, around 2 am. Wanted to bunk in early but somehow got caught up with restlessness and decided to watch a movie on dvd.

I need a vacation. Been looking at my free dates. I think I can squeeze in a short trip to jakarta in January 2008. And been browsing KLM's website. They have this ticket offer to Jakarta! After airport tax, fuel surcharge and the rest of the shennanigans, it only costs me about RM534 for a return ticket! Co-ol!!

Am also thinking of following my sis to Oslo this February. Might make a short trip to UK.

That's just the plan. All in all, I still have to decide whether I wanna continue working in my current firm, or move my big butt elsewhere.... And also to seriously consider whether I should quit practicing all the same.

As Promised...

Seen here : Ahsraff, Deb dahlinggg and yours truly!!

Ashraff & I

One for the camera, darlings!!!

Lil' G, or more like, Latrell look-a-likey!!

Can't remember his name, but he's the vocalist from Silk

Me & Dianah Hashim aka Deb before the concert

.....(and I do keep my promises, by the way) here are the pictures taken during the live n loud concert attended.

It was fun, fun fun!!

*sigh*

I am getting bad vibes again. Sometimes I wonder whether I should actually be in tune with it, or just plain ignore 'em.

Crazeeee!

P/s: I am still trying to figure out how to use this photo uploader from this blogger thingy. Wanted to put some captions below the pics, but somehow.... i tak reti la!!! =\

Oh well, you guys get the idea how the night went.

Live & Loud KL 2007 - R&B night

Between being an 'energizer bunny' and literally feeling sick with my profession, I must admit, I kind of like my work right now. Be as it may, ie. the agony, the pain and the suffering, I can still imagine myself running in and out of court for another year or so. Crazy, innit?

Sometimes life should be monotonous and mundane. Other times, life should be exciting and exhilarating. My life so far? It has its ups and downs. As for my current state, I am bored, exhausted, and tired! Three words that perfectly describes yours truly's shameful state and/or condition.

But yesterday, something wonderful happened.

A close friend of yours truly, Deb, called up around lunchtime to deliver some good news.

She got free tickets for the Live & Loud R&B Concert tonite!!!

Yours truly was ecstatic! And excited! And so looking forward to just chill and have a good time.

So off yours truly went on a mission to replenish all the good vibes that somehow went astray from her aching heart and soul.

It was a nite of 'janji melayu', screaming teens, and aching feet!! But it was worthwhile all the same. Yours truly was tired at the end, but still felt happy.

Somehow, there's more to life than just penguin power suits, aching hearts, emptiness and resentment.

Yours truly is blessed to have her cool friends that adore her, and cool relatives that, one way or the other, still have to love her despite her emotional instability.

OK folks. Am trying to upload pics from last night's concert, but somehow the idiot uploader's giving me problems. So I'll just have to upload it some other time...

Now yours truly's pissy... =\

Because of YOU!!

Want to, but I can't help it

I love the way you feel

Just kinda stuck between my fantasy and what is real

I need it when I want it

I want it when I don't

Tell myself "I'll stop" every day, knowing that I won't

I got a problem and I

Don't know what to do about it

Even if I did I don't know if I would quit but I doubt it,

I’m Takin' by the thought of it

[chorus]

And I know this much is true

Baby you have become my addiction

I’m so strung out on you

I can barely move

But I'm likin' it

And it's all because of you (All because of you)

And it's all because of you (All because of you)

And it's all because of you (All because of you)

And it's all because

Never get enough,

she’s the sweetest drug

think of it every second

I can't get nothing done

Only concern is the next time I’m gon' get me some

Know I should stay away from

'Cause it's no good for me

I try and try but my obsession won't let me leave

I got a problem and I

Don't know what to do about it

even If I did I don't know If I would quit but I doubt it,

I’m Taking by the thought of it Hey!

[chorus]

And I know this much is true

Baby you have become my addiction

I’m so strung out on you

I can barely move

But I'm likin' it

And it's all because of you (All because of you)

And it's all because of you (All because of you)

And it's all because of you (All because of you)

And it's all because

Never get enough (Never get enough),

she’s the sweetest drug

Ain't no doubt (No doubt)

So strung out (Strung out)

Ain't no doubt (There's aint no doubt)

So strung out Over you Over you...

Because of you

And it's all because of you

Never get enough

She's the sweetest drug

She's the sweetest drug

My Becoming

I like this picture.

Reason : Cos it looks nice. And I look happy.

Truth is, I was GENUINELY happy that day.

The fact that I have everyone I adore and love around me. It beats getting high on nicotine or drugs, heheheh.....

But somehow I was a bit dissapointed yesterday.

Seemed like the one I really love is avoiding whatever plan that I have for the holidays with him.

I felt so used. And stupid.

And for a while I thought to myself :-

"This is MY reason for living, and yet he does not seem to think that I am HIS to begin with".

I ended up waking at 430 a.m., tossing and turning and thinking to myself yet again.

This is crazy. This has to end!

Whether the way I want it to or otherwise, I just can't go through this anymore.

But tell me : How do you let go of someone so precious to you??

This is me. Look at me. I want you to love me. I want you to need me. I want you to tell me that I am your everything.

I don't want you to say : 'Whatever'.

I don't want you to even say : 'See la how'.

I don't want you to give up on me.

A lot of 'I don't wants' here, I know.

But sometimes, those 'I don't wants' are actually what I want at this point. So please. Think of what I want for a change.

*sob*sob*

A card for D

It's been ages.
Have not written for a long time now.
Sometimes you just need a break from everything.
Other times you just stop doing things because there's no reason for you to do so.
My absence was due to the latter.

I miss writing in here. In truth, I miss spilling my crazy yet 'made sense thoughts' on paper (erm, online is more like it).

So today, as I was busily washing the dishes in the kitchen (the whole family decided to get rid of the 'much anticipated' maid last weekend due to a tantrum thrown at my mum on saturday morning), I had this urge of writing something. Just for the sake of it. Just because.

But most importantly, I want to write again so that I could remember what it's like at the moment. What I did, how I felt, what possibly was the reason, the lots......

So let's see...

I had bad PMS yesterday, resulting in me curling up on my bed from noon til night time. It gotten worse overnight, so I went to the clinic for a medical certificate in order for me to rest at home. Doctor gave me a painkiller that she claimed was effective to reduce the discomfort. She was a family GP, the doctor, so I stayed in her examintaion room for a good 20 minutes, chit chatting about my mum, amongst other things, and also about my work, lovelife, holidays and everything under the sun.

After a good 20 minutes later, and after realising that I'm actually talking to a qualified doctor, suddenly i blurted :-

Me : Doctor, I've been having this bad pimples along my jawline for sometime now. Googled it and found out that it's called 'jawline acne', ie also known as adult acne. Do you have anything that i could take to get rid of the problem?

Dr : Ahhhh. I can prescribe you with an antibiotic. It's just a 7 day course. You'd be fine by then, hopefully.

Me : Hopefully.

Dr : Hanis, is that keloid? (asked the doctor while looking at my chest)

Me : Oh that. Yeah. Been seeing Dr. Lim from SMC for my steroid injections to make sure it's not reddish and swelling.

Dr : Oh okay.(Pause). That's weird. (Pause). You don't have any Chinese blood in you, right?

Me : Nope (Pause for a good 2 minutes). But my uncle married my aunt who's a Chinese. But that doesn't count, does it?

Dr : (Laughing hysterically). You're funny Hanis!!


Okayyyyyy. I didn't mean it as a joke. Seriously. But come to think of it, I might've said that because I was a bit 'blur sotong' at the time.

Or I might be in my 'bimbo mode'. But it was nice to see someone laugh at my 'jokes' (but bukan joke ok. Ia adalah satu fakta yang I rasa patut diberitahu kepada orang ramai....).

Then went to Memory Lane to get a birthday card for someone whose birthday falls in November. Got a funny/homourous one so as not to be confused as 'having the hots' for that someone. Though sometimes I'd like to think that I do.

Hmmmmm........

Then went to my office (so much for a day off ehh??) to get tomorrow's Court matter.

Now am here on my bed. Blogging.

Oh yeah. Just got a call from the Head of Legal & Regulatory of Air Asia X. She wants to meet me up tomorrow for a chat cum interview. How fast!! I only e-mailed my resume this morning, amidst my stomach cramps and moody self.

Now am having jitters, and thinking what to wear for the meet.

But all that have to wait. Am going to write some birthday wishes in that birthday card now....

What I need the most to make my day??

A cuddle and some kisses on the forehead!!

This is bliss..

I am sitting on my super king size bed, with lappie on my lap, watching 'hot fuzz' on dvd, while at the same time enjoying 1/3rd pint of haagen-dazs's Macadamia Nut ice-cream.

Oh, and writing this entry too!!

We girls do know how to multi-task, ayyy??

I am so in love with Simon Pegg, the actor who played 'Shaun' in Shaun of the Dead, and 'Sergeant Angel' in Hot Fuzz. There's something about him, I just don't know why. I was telling my sis how i thought he was oh so cute, but my sis gave her 'your taste in men is so weird, sis' talk again. Hahaha... But seriously, he's so cute lookin....

Had an early morning chat with Dave this morning. He seemed tired, so it was not really an interesting chat to say the least. But it was nice to see him online, cos i do miss him!!

Oh well.... I have nothing in particular to write at the moment. So I shall be fixating my eyes on 'simon pegg' for the moment.

Will write something really soon!! =)

When I Think/Worry Too Much

Today's been one hell of a day. Well, half hell of a day!!

Was actually managing my time really well, waiting for my turn in Court, to appear before the judge. Parked my car at 8.15 am, in the courtroom by 8.30am, waited for my turn until 11.45 am! The agony! The misery! Can't seem to describe it right now. Let's just say that after my drive back to the office, I am now experiencing a splitting headache. Might be due to the unbearable heat outside. But also might be due to me being pissed for waiting too long.

Sometimes it's hard to manage your time well. Especially so when you are in this kind of profession, where half of the day's gone, just waiting. Stupid!

And coming back into the office is even worse. Imagine going into your room, with stacks of files on your table for you to deal with. So not good, so not good!

Okay, I might be running off from the topic that I have decided to write in here for today's entry, but that's just me venting my frustration.

Anyhoo, got this idea of writing this whilst waiting for my turn to say 'hello' to the Judge this morning, so I guess the wait is not all that bad, ya?? And thanks to my ex-colleague, Wallace, for the long and interesting conversation. If it was not for him, I'd end up looking at all the defects found in the Courtroom (Heck, I might just list down all of it to be submitted to the authorities for a review, haha).

Coming back to the topic that i'd wanted to write.

Last night I had this unusual dream. It was kind of unusual in a way, but it made me realise how i see my life, myself.

I dreamt that I was chosen as a lead in a play. I worked my a** off, going for rehearsals and attending to everything (from the wardrobe, props, you name it) to ensure that it runs smoothly. But a day before the actual play, i was told that my acting skills are no longer needed.

You see, the sponsor of the so-called play decided to replace me with another actress. Reason?? 'I am so sorry Hanis. But they feel that they need someone who similarly reflects the character. Lookwise, she's the right candidate'.

Whaaaat??!!

After toiling and putting myself into shit to make the play work, this was their answer? But somehow, I didn't protest loudly. But rather, I just accepted the fact that they had discarded me like this sort of junk that's of no value.

Immediately after that, I woke up.

And it dawned on me.

I never, for all of my life living, ever appreciated myself, or see myself worthy. NEVER.

Most of the time, I'd be worrying about how others would think about me. I would try my best to accomodate to other people's needs, and neglected my own. Especially when that person is someone that i love so very much.

It's bad, the arrangement. I always end up being hurt and vengeful.

And the worse thing that I found out?

That even in my dreams, I still feel insecure.

*sigh*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Things that I need right now :

My bed, my sanity, him, sleep, food!!

I am going off in a bit. Not feeling my usual self.

Relieved

Monday.

I hate Mondays. The first day after a two day break. The first day of yet another five day of hell at work. The first day after having fun or just lazing around doing nothing.

But you could say that today's Monday is a diferrent kind of Monday. For me, at least.

Today is suppose to be the day for me to call up my gynae for my pap smear result.

Had one done ten days ago. After my 15 minute consultation with my gynaecologist (which, by the way, made me RM250-00 poorer), her assistant then told me to call the clinic up for the result.

Me : Eh? I thought you guys are suppose to call the patient up? That's the usual practice, non?

Her : Yes, we used to do that. But we only call when the result comes out positive. In a way, it kind of scares the patient receiving the call.

Me : Erm.... Ok. I'll call you in ten days, then.

At first, I didn't quite get what she meant when she said, 'might scare the patient receiving the call'. But after 10 minutes later, whilst waiting for my antibiotics at the pharmacy, I finally understood.

You see, it's the hospital policy that whenever there's bad news, then they'll call the patient. But if your result turns out okay, then they won't bother calling you.

Based on that policy itself, it must've been horrifying to receive calls from the hospital, because only bad news shall be conveyed. So that was it.

I went on with my normal life as usual, until yesterday when I realised that today is actually THE DAY for me to pick up my pap result.

Yikes!!

So yesterday (which, by the way, is a Sunday), I was close to getting a splitting headache worrying about the result that I'm suppose to get today.

And today, after my Court matter, I mustered the courage to pick up the phone and call the clinic. No answer.

Second try, my gynae's assistant's voice could be heard from the other end.

'Hold on dear. let me check', was what her reply to me when I told her I'm calling for my reult.

Line went on hold. I was praying to God for no 'bad news'.

Five minutes later, her voice came in again.

'Hanis. I tried calling you last week, but you didn't answer'.

Yikes!!

'Is something the matter with my result?', I panicked.

'No dear. It's nothing. Your result came out fine. No abnormalities whatsoever on the tissue. So you can come again for your next test in April next year?'

Pheww!!

'Okie. thanks', was what I said, smiling.

The agony is finally over. Now I can rest my head, knowing that everything's fine with my body.

~~
P : R u at home already?

Me : Yes baby. N I can't sleep. Must be the ice-blended.

P : You should get some rest. You have court tomorrow. *mwah*

Me : Okie. Love you... *muahs*

P : Love you too.. Xoxoxo

~~~

He's my reason for smiling. He's my everything.

But why can't i stop thinking about 'him'??

Missing

It's Saturday....

Weeeee

And I am missing him so bad right now.

If only I could time travel and go back to that day when we first met.

Or maybe, I could go back to that day when I was supposed to've met him earlier.

I guess things would have been different.

I guess.

But that's the thing about fate. Sometimes I just don't know whether the concept of fate does exist anymore in my life.

But I do know one thing.

That I miss him badly.

=(

Up to the point where i just feel like picking up the phone and call. Up to the point where I wish I could just sms him and tell him so.

But being the stubborn me, I refrain myself.

I miss him, I miss him, I miss him.....

I Wanna Be An Old Man Too!!

I guess I had made a BIG mistake for adding my aunty in my Friendster's 'friends list' . Now, I am utterly torn between posting an entry there....

You see, most of whatever that I wrote in my Friendster blog are all that comes into my eccentirc mind at the point of time. Regardless if it's a fantasy of mine, or a reality (for something that has happened just now or yesteday), well...... let's just say that sometimes it's better for certain things to be shared with a friend or a stranger, rather than your mum & dad, and aunts and uncles too for that matter!! (grandparents and great-great grandparents included here, y'all!!).

So, in order for me to keep on writing whatever that comes into mind, I have decided to write them in here. But not to worry. My Friendster blog will still be up and running (but without the usual 'pour all my heart out' details in it to protect my reputation, hahaha).

I had a very brief, yet interesting encounter with this senior lawyer in Court today. Our meet needs no formal or usual introduction that most people do whenever crossing path with another being (hence the 'interesting encounter', geddit?).

I was on my way into one of the courtrooms when i noticed this lawyer eyeing me. Looking up ahead, I could see someone looking at me as i walked through the corridoor. Not knowing the right thing to do, I decided to do the usual thing that i always do when caught in embarassing or quirky situation : Smile at them.

And after that, he held the door open for me, and said "It's nice to see you smile early in the morning today".

Erkk. Now the situation gets even more awkward. And in my desperate attempt to stay calm and suave, I just mumbled 'eee...yeah' to him and make my way inside.

Thought that it'd be over, right?

WRONG!

This 'one kind of a specimen' lawyer decided to sit next to me. Yikes! And knowing me, eventhough i may not like entertaining small petty talks with a stranger, most of the time I would make an interesting face and let them blabber for as long as they can.

And that was what the 'senior lawyer' actually did. Chatting. Telling me stuffs. Making up jokes.

It was quite entertaining in a way. But there are a few things and remarks that he made, based on his experience and observation, which made me go, "Are you for real, old man?".

Things like :


"You know, all these young lady lawyers in KL, they definitely know how to have a good time" <--- REALLY?

"I used to have this one lady lawyer, which actually was my son's friend, coming onto me, and asking me to live together with her. But she was too clingy and possessive" <----- REALLY?

"Most lady lawyers that i know, the young ones, are highly sexed up beings" <----- REALLY, REALLY?

"I tell you, these Chinese ladies, once they get the kick of it (sex), they will want more" <---- LOL. REALLY??

Referring still to the last sentence on top : "Chinese guys are not good in bed. Not like the Indians. So when these girls got that great pampering from the right source, they want more, I tell you" <----- REALLLLYY?

His response when I stated that I am a Muslim :
"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you're not a Muslim. You don't look Malay. You look mixed" <--- SERIOUSLY? (I do get that a lot, actually).

And all the while we were talking (correction, it was actually HIM doing most of the talking), I can't help but smirk.

Seriously. What are the odds of YOU, being swarmed by all these hot chicks? (I later found out that all of the lawyers knew him, so he might be some big shot lawyer that I might not recognised. So I guess that kind of answered my question on why girls fall over him).

*Sigh*. The bliss of being an old, paunchy but famous and powerful man.....


Now tell me, do you think this would make a great post for my aunt to see?? ;)

When i am darn pissed (again) with Friendster Blog

I know that i need to apologise profusely for neglecting this blog of mine for more than a year now!!

I am bad. People (mostly friends) would bitch behind my back openly for my lack of loyalty to them. My parents, every now and then, (although i must say it's everytime now) would complain to my siblings for my lack of unity in the family.

BUT here is the THING.

That's me. I guess people would just have to accept me, flaw and all. I know. It's a bad trait. I do try to change for the better( but not that much trying on my part, i have to admit, huhuhu). But all the changes takes time.

Being the second kid in the family, i grew up only knowing that I learn things mostly from my own self. By trial and error. And of course, by looking at my big brother's action and reaction. All this time, I could postively say that whatever that i learned, I owe all of it to my dear self.

Now don't get me wrong. Both my parents are my life, my strength. Even up until now. And I can't imagine my life without them. They have shown me what it's like to be someone with dignity, with respect. They taught me how to respect others. They even taught me how to be a good person.

They are the ones that I turn to in times of need (wisdomly, AND financially). We tend to share our problems openly, but not too open to the point i tell them about my intimate life with my boyfriend or anything (so guys, rest assured that you are not in their black list. if u happen to know that you are, it might be that you are, well, a natural born and bred jack**s, haha)

I adore my parents bits and pieces. I won't allow people to talk negatively, or judge whatever decision that my parents have made for the family, or for the other family members for that matter (me included).

But what i am getting here is that, I, for one, have learned things in a harder way as compared to the rest of my siblings. They call us the 'middle child syndrome' (okay i might have created that term, but it's so true. Don't believe me? Do ask those being sandwiched between the alpha kid and the spoilt one below).

At an early stage, I know that mummy needed to give her undivided attention to my big brother. So the only person giving attention to me was my dad. Mum used to tell me how dad would take care of me, feed me, prepare milk in my baby bottle, and take me with him for my daily naps. (This is because my mum felt bad about letting my big brother grow up without much love and affection. So she showered him loads with attention, and hoping that my dad would do the same to me). But this is when he's back from work and not doing anything else. For that also, rest assured that my dad has a special place in my heart, no matter what. Eventhough now I always end up going to mum for advice. Even now when I always put my 'p' first than him. All i can say is this : My dad will always be my first love.

I know this for a fact that my mum (again) told me i missed my dad so much when he went to Chicago for 3 months to attend a course/seminar there. You should see me then. I was stick thin. My rib bones can be visibly seen due to my refusal to eat. I missed him badly up to the point where i fell sick most of the time.

I also remember my childhood days, when dad used to drive me to this small grocery store whenever I am in need of anything. Anything, ok. Just tell/whine to him about wanting something, and he would immediately drive me there and buy them for me.

That is the sacrifice that my dad did for her little girl.

And because of this, i am what I am now. Independent, stubborn, loner, opinionated. That's the 'middle child syndrome' i am talking about. Because we middle kiddies learned things ourselves, we tend to have those traits. Not that we don't need other people. It's more of 'we need our own space'. Our world is our world alone. And trust me, when we want others to be in it, we will invite them and let them in with a sincere heart.

but until that day comes, we, the middle kids, shall always need time and space, to do what they think is right (although most of the time people would perceive our action as wrong).

That's just us. Accept us.

I know I am getting a tad too emotional now. Even realised that i wrote this for this one and only reason : I hate friendster blog!! Hate them for not letting me access my blog to create a new post.

So here I am. Writing in here. To ease my frustration. To put everything in a nutsell.

And to know that I am what I am.